District L

Dear Santa,

All of us at District L know we earned our spot on The Naughty List. Late nights, exuberant spending, inappropriate language... Yeah, we get the deal. But before you stop reading, we'd like to assure you that the following requests are not for us. [How selfless, right?!]

For Margaret on the 6 Train:

Margaret was looking forward to reading Lick Me: How I Became Cherry Vanilla over the holiday break, until she heard she was sharing a flight home with her judgmental Aunt Kelly from Somers. Also, Margaret hasn't quite figured out that He's Just Not That Into Her because she's always reading self-help books on public transportation. Please save her with a Kindle 3 -- And no skimping on the leather DVF case.

For Becca from Accounting:

Poor Becca is more of a night person. It's Monday morning, her eyes are still a bit blurry, and her ability to match has been rendered inadequate. Her button-down blouse could have used some ironing, and she doesn't even realize this until her third cup of coffee. Nothing about her morning attire ever says "effortless." What Becca really needs is a versatile dress in a wrinkle-resistant fabric - a single article of clothing to minimize her AM decision-making process. Santa, please send Becca one of Lois Eastlund's latest creations, so she can look chic and pulled together pre-Starbucks.

For Pete from Advertising:

Pete is an idea guy, but unfortunately, those two semesters in Amsterdam really did a number on his short-term memory. He needs to jot down those bouts of ingenious in a notebook that looks more Rick Moody than Harriet the Spy. Please add a Vernakular memo book to his Christmas list. He'll appreciate the independent photo design and the ability to always find a pen.

And before you start stuffing our stockings with coal, don't think we forgot about all the champagne you drank last year. That wasn't for you, Santa. We left that out by accident.

Always Fabulous,

District L

Look at this Fucking Screenshot.

We know. We're going to hell in a handbasket because we (artfully, and legally) dodge jury duty, dislike children, and have Twitter(s). But despite all that effort, despite the daily struggle of waking up every morning and plotting twisted new ways to make sure every word we speak and move we make is motivated only by unadultered, brazen self-interest, Hell is coming to us. And Gawker is one of the horsemen.

What looks like an innocent posting from that website (above) is actually an ancient, yellowed Dead Sea scroll floor-grazingly pregnant with apocalyptic prophecy.

Holy Crap! New York City Visited by Hail Apocalypse!

Wal-Mart Plans to Invade Big Cities like New York!

But most frightening-

Starbucks Lines are Going to Get Even LONGER Thanks to New Rules!

Does that mean that these days are numbered?

Shit. I should have only taken half.

Post by Nicolas Sera-Leyva